It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.