IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
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“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.