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[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
When I can’t barge, I careen.