It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
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in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!