Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?