It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
But wait…
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Pringles