It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Me trying to walk in a dream
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Yup!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner