It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
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i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Birds & Planes.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*