It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Who needs an Air Fryer?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Meow?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT