“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.