Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
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Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar