Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances