It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no