It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider