It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
They got a point!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.