It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
That’s what I call a flat tire
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila