Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Why is everyone getting married at me

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

I love the honesty

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

The news in a nutshell.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.