It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive