It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Cardio Made Easy
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.