It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Netflix and scream at our children?!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
That 👊
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.