“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….