It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if thereâs a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and itâs improbable
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You never truly appreciate Newtonâs laws of motion until youâve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Iâm going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: âŚ
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess itâs true â nature abhors a vacuum
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when youâre singing along to a really good song in the car.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Iâm meeting up with new friends today and weâre going on a picnic but they donât want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so Iâm thinking Iâm gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? Iâd be king of the village in some parts of the world.
new challenge called âdonât say âwoow itâs already dark by five these daysâ for the rest of winterâ challenge
Tequila be like âI know a spotâ then take you here
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldnât. Shitty credit, I have.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, heâs probably not a real magician.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Time traveling but itâs just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[Neoâs Matrix bullet dodge but instead itâs me taking a compliment]