“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
#parenting
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I think I’m having a stroke
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare