It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago