“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
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[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling