It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Yeah. This was me today.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet