“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
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friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*