“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….