@felixoshea

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

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@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@internetluke

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

@Parentpains

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

@jonnysun

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

@Prof_Hinkley

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

@SteveDutzy

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@smoney12

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!