@felixoshea

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

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@lydie_glass

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

@KizerBillhelm

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

@Brianhopecomedy

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

@eggnook

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

@WonderMonkey78

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

@CindyNoPants

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

@Bunnydurden

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

@thejamietighe

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

@SonOfCha

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.