It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.


As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.


I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.


Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.


The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.


What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?


Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.


Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.


*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*


Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.