It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
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Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others