It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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Life hack
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?