its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.