It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
You Might Also Like
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
this isn’t threatening at all
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now