IT’S-A ME,
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Yep.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.