It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.