Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

Yep.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Ha.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.