It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I think we should hear other voices.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch