It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth