@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

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@BobGolen

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

@ddsmidt

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

@ilovecuredmeats

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

@hardasamother

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@a_simpl_man

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

@Reverend_Scott

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*