It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do