It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
pizza
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
me 2 months after i graduated
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
don’t we all