it’s a van. how do they not know this
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME