‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.