It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
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[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The French cow says MEUX…
Butt weight. There’s more!
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute