It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
his wife is probably gonna see that
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”