It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU