It’s actually Dr. whatever
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia