It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else