It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.