its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend