It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.