It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Made something I’m not proud of
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Mornin
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.