It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Fiction has to make sense.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.