It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.